Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
