I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
