Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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