508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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