Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
