What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
