good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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