She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
