It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
