I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
