hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
