I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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