Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
A bitchslap is in order.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
