sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
