I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
