1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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