I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
