So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
