You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
