can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
