is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
