I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
