She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
