finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
not ubering you a puppy
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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