my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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