Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
