he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
