If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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