i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
