I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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