just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
