Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
foreskin is a definite game changer
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
