I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need to align my fucking chakras
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
