Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
