I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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