I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
