A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
