My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He shit in the fireplace
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
