got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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