I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
