Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
