my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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