The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
