hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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