Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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