Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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