By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
