i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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