How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
