It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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