Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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