$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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