I cut my penus on the lid.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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