My liver just broke up with me...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
